03 September 2014

on saying goodbye to things you don't want to say goodbye to



Alright alright! Tomorrow I'm flying to London to spend the next 100 days studying and living abroad. 
It still sounds crazy to me and I've been putting off doing a lot of things because I don't want to fully accept that I have to leave. I don't even really want to talk about it. Usually I like writing about these things but in this case words have not been sufficient. I should be absolutely thrilled, shouldn't I? And I am! For certain parts. If I forget what I'm leaving and forget all the challenges of what's to come, I'm ecstatic. But there's so much uncertainty ahead of me and so much that's dear to me being left behind.

Plus I always get major travel anxiety so... bonus. 

Let me explain it like this: I had a rough time for a long time. There were so many days in high school and the beginning of college that I would so gladly have packed up and jetted away from without a second thought. But I've been so lucky this summer, so lucky to meet darling new friends and to have a happy place to live and to have dreamy people I never would have thought would be in my life, suddenly be in my life. I'm happy here right now. And it's been so long since I've been able to say that! Out of the blue, there's so much potential here and I'm leaving right in the middle of it all. Can you blame me for feeling forlorn?

I know I'll get there and become completely distracted and immersed in the experience, and I'll come back to everything being more or less the same, but I can't help but wonder what this semester might've held for me were I staying. Instead, I'll be walking through museums and ancient European streets; I'll see Shakespeare plays in the places Shakespeare walked; I'll visit Paris and probably cry under the Eiffel Tower; I'll send postcards; I'll sleep in a bunkbed in a roomful of strangers; I'll miss my family. And then I'll come home. Pick up where I left off. Hopefully everyone else will too. 

I know that in most regards this is the right time for me to go and the right thing for me to do for myself. Maybe once I'm there, I'll never even want to come back!

At this point, all I can say is "how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

I'll meet you across the pond

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